VERSUS: Who would win?

Howdy, folks!  Happy Friday!  To celebrate the incoming weekend, join Alz in her existential literary and media pondering, which this week consisted of her wondering who would win in a no-holds-barred fight-to-the-bitter-end winner-takes-all kicking-ass-and-taking-names battle between random characters from different worlds!

You see, I was just thinking about Moby-Dick and how he is a huge white killer whale, only not that kind of killer whale since he's actually a sperm whale.  And how he's giant and mysterious and vicious and apparently out to get Ahab not only because Ahab is out to get him, but because it's just what giant white mysterious metaphorical killer sperm whales do.

And then I thought about other giant killer sealife--you know, Jaws.

And I thought, Who would win?

Moby-Dick VS Jaws

Strengths: Huge killer great white shark. Can eat his way through boats and ships and people.  Impervious to small firearms and probably harpoons (been a long time since I've seen the movie).  Has cool theme music.

Weaknesses: Exploding things jammed into his mouth.  Ultimately mortal.


Strengths: Huge killer sperm whale.  Can smash the hell out of boats and ships and people.  Has a taste for human flesh or at least the legs of captains named Ahab.  Impervious to harpoons and spears and other sharp objects.  Is a consummate metaphor for all that is unknown and unknowable to mankind.

Weaknesses: Captains named Ahab.  Probably immortal since he's a metaphor.

Who would win?  Personally, I think Jaws would rip a few decent chunks out of Moby-Dick, but good ol' Moby would make seafood mincemeat out of Jaws pretty soon after.  To quote V from V for Vendetta, "Ideas are bulletproof."  In this instance, I daresay "metaphors are sharkproof" is a fitting translation.

Next up is two gargantuan reptilian beasties: one comes from a lonely mountain and the other comes from the oceanic depths of Japan.

Smaug VS Godzilla
Dude, not gonna exaggerate: In the book, Smaug's underparts are literally encrusted with diamonds.


Strengths: "'My armor is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail a thunderbolt, my wings a hurricane, and my breath death!' (207)" and "'I am armoured above and below with iron scales and hard gems.' (208) Smaug, The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien.

Weaknesses: Chinks in his armor.  Or rather, a chink (singular) in his armor.


Strengths: Gigantic amphibious reptile with atomic breath. Can swim, sometimes fly, and also level metropolitan cities in a matter of minutes.  Generally impervious to man-made weaponry.  Can regenerate.  Pretty frequently rebooted too.

Weaknesses: Doesn't stick around for too long before going back to sleep, returning to the ocean, apparently being killed, and/or otherwise disappearing from the world indefinitely.  Also, the reboots occasionally suck.

Who would win?  Assuming these two behemoths are approximately the same size, I'd say it's a pretty even match, even allowing for a ground-bound version of Godzilla.  Smaug seems more intelligent than Godzilla and more complex in his goals and greeds, but all it'd take is one lucky (or well-aimed) punch or atomic fireball from everybody's favorite original kaijuu and Smaug would be nothing more than a smoldering smear on Godzilla's claws.


Last but not least, especially since Krispy's Sister and I have been engaged in nefariously nebulous Loki-related plotting, I of course thought of our favorite Marvel villain ever...and his namesake.

Loki VS Loki
The Ultimate Showdown
LOKI (dog)

Strengths: Cuteness and fluffiness.  Can run at 200 mph for short but intense bursts.  Sometimes has nuclear poo.  Special attack: uterus-punch.

Weaknesses: Doesn't swallow that last gulp of water before dashing off, so often chokes.  Can be lazy.  Easily distracted by flying bugs.

LOKI (Marvel)

Strengths: Magic and the ability to duplicate himself.  Throws butterknives with deadly accuracy.  Exceedingly charming and obsessively vengeful in turn.  Glowstick of Doom.

Weaknesses: Daddy issues, brother issues, xenophobia, and hubris.

Who would win? Loki would win of course.  Which one?  LOKI, OF COURSE.  Ahem.


Well, that was interesting.  I was trying to pair like with like so things wouldn't get too unfair or be unbalanced, though of course in Loki VS Loki, we all know who has the real advantage...

Who do you think would win in each scenario and why?

Happy Friday!  Have a fantastic weekend and go see Gravity!  Krispy says it's amazing and I can't wait to see it.


Lydia Kang said...

Loki the dog would win, because Loki the demigod would realize that even he, as hot as he is, must succumb to maximum cuteness.

Connie Keller said...

I agree with Lydia. Never, ever under-rate the cuteness factor.

BTW, I saw Gravity in 3D. Totally worth it.