4.01.2011

Randomosity: Final Edition

I'm sorry, my good chums, but today is finally the day that I wash my hands of this foul business once and for all, and cleanse my soiled palms with the soap of righteousness and rinse them with the water of ambition. Today it's time to come clean. I never wanted to be a writer. I despise it with all my heart (which is made of stone) and all my soul (of which I have none left, having bartered it off in bits in pieces over the years). I shall deny my true self no longer and I desire nothing more than that all of you witness my transformation.


It will be even more dramatic than this in reality.

For you see, my dear friends, from now onward, I shall be true unto myself and let slip the dogs of war bindings of society to become what I have always been inside. Hearkening back unto heritage most ancient and ancestry most prestigious. I shall heed the call of the wild and listen to the birdsong of truth. I will deny no longer the pangs of conscience that have plagued me since that dreadful day I decided I would become a writer or at least a contributing member of society. You know what I'm going to contribute now? I'm going to contribute this:
I WILL BE A NINJA.

But I will not be just any ninja. No, I will be a ninja who sails on the high seas, Ninja Pirate Captain Alz of the U.S.S. Enterprise Serenity Black Pearl Happy Mermaid, fighting for truth and justice, striking in the dead of night, raiding in the name of Alz. That's right, I shall be so magnificent that I raid in my own name.
I'm on a boat!


Yes, from this day of April 1, 2011, henceforth shall I be a ninja pirate. The world is my cookie, and just you watch it crumble.

What are your master plans for today, O chocolate chips?

9 comments:

aspiring_x said...

ohmygoodness!so much awesomeness, so little post!

Connie said...

Um, so did you get the boat from the Dread Pirate Roberts? I hear that he was looking to retire to Patagonia with his treasure. Or was that Cummerbund?

Sophia the Writer said...

Dude. This totally reads like the beginning of a MG novel. Ninja Pirate Assassin. Write it. Now.

Medeia Sharif said...

Being a ninja pirate sounds awesome. It would also make for a great MC.

Lydia K said...

So great! You go, ninja pirate in your cookie world.

May a big milk-cloud not ruin your day.

ali said...

I'm not even sure what I just read, but I loved it!

Alz said...

aspiring x – Thank you, thank you! Life decisions are tough to make, so I feel they should be done with all due flair. And caffeine at 12 am on April Fools Day helps.

Connie – Nay, for a while I considered being the next Dread Pirate Roberts, but I understand he and Buttercup are still honeymooning on the ship, so I had to acquire one of my own, a most sordid tale involving scimitars, flying bears, and 4,000-foot-tall tree named Samuel the Fire-Eater.

Medeja – Once I've lived out my life on the high seas in the dark of midnight for some years, I will write my autobiography. That way I will ensure it is sufficiently exciting.

Lydia – Aye, those milk-clouds and their milkshake-squalls are cursedly troublesome! I needs must remember to bring my umbrella and pills for the lactose-intolerant members of my crew.

ali – Thank you! Verily it fills me with renewed confidence that my transformation and plans for oceanic domination seem to be generally well-accepted.

Angela Felsted said...

This is hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing! Happy April fools day to you too.

Alz said...

Angela - 'Tis meet that thou didst enjoyeth my change of life occupation, for which I thank ye. Incidentally, I doth have no idea why the freakin' hell mine written speech hath become yet more and more archaic as my replies hath progressed.